Sit down because I am about to get real personal.
I loosely planned to talk running today but loosely is the keyword in this sentence.
Just like I can’t plan my meals in advance very well, I can’t totally plan my posts either because I like to discuss what feels natural and what’s on my mind at the moment.
Talking to you each day is an interesting thing. You know so much about me yet of course, there is stuff that falls through the cracks as certain topics don’t always fit in to what we are discussing.
There are also some topics (like personal life stuff) which become taboo for bloggers or at the very least, are considered too personal to share.
But see, sometimes, that shouldn’t be. We all go through similar situations and knowing you aren’t alone can make some of those experiences easier.
I went through something interesting recently and the more I reflect on it, the more I realize that I have been through it before but from the opposing viewpoint.
Having now been in both positions with perspective from both sides, I feel the need to share…
I was involved with someone for almost two years up until very recently.
You may have caught him in the backgrounds of my photos, his hands near my cake or sushi, little mentions if you read between the lines…
..I had no idea that I was being lied to. No idea that he was living some sort of double life.
No idea that as we started dating and spending more and more time together, the foundation of our closeness lacked complete truth.
No idea that what would break us apart from time to time over the last two years, what would send me into thinking that maybe he wasn’t the person for me, wasn’t even based on what was really taking place.
No idea that he got engaged months ago to a girl he had been seeing the entire time we were dating.
He was not going to tell me.
I spoke to him more than anyone else on a daily basis.
He was a loyal blog reader (loyal is a funny word to use in this post), a nonrunner who supported my running and someone I liked enough to even share my food with sometimes.
The Melting Pot January 2015.
He read the draft of my Divorce and Co-parenting e-book before anyone else and helped me to review the Red Mango smoothies way back in the day.
He made it to my favorite food partners list and even shared in my love for hockey, going to games with me as recent as a few weeks ago and as far back as the first ever Islanders preseason game in Brooklyn (September 2013).
Plans were already set for my birthday (in June) which would have been a few weeks AFTER the date of his wedding.
Call it divine intervention or just having a really good friend putting some pieces together, I found out the truth.
And that was that. I was finished and done. Cut all communication.
I lost my best friend in the process (or so I thought, who really knows who he was) but no way in heck was I about to deal with a liar, much less a liar engaged to someone else.
I am really sharp if you didn’t already know. Super quick and smart.
I have one heck of a knack for investigating <– when necessary.
I trust people. No matter what I go through in life, I refuse to become so jaded that I can’t trust.
He fooled me.
He told so many stories over the last two years that I am having a hard time knowing which were real and which weren’t.
Most of them were not the truth. Most of the situations he claimed to be involved in, places he claimed to be going to, went to and what he ate last Wednesday, never happened.
At some point, I became the other woman, can you imagine that?!
A woman I would NEVER want to be or knowingly allow myself to be.
I have been on the other end of this if you know what I mean. I know how it feels.
Goodness knows I know how it feels. It’s something you never really forget.
I used to try to feel for that other woman, as hard as it was, trying to see why she wouldn’t let go, as I did just now.
Sometimes people are too far in they would tell me, that they believe the lies, they are too in love, too far gone and can’t help themselves.
Like no. That’s just not acceptable. We must be stronger than that and have some self-respect and confidence, not to mention morals.
I really don’t care if someone claims to be unhappy, claims that their spouse is crazy (of course they are going to say that) or even worse, just leaves their wedding band in the car or lies to you on such a pathological level that another relationship is hidden from you completely.
I don’t care at all what the details are of the situation, what you knew, didn’t know or just came to know.
Once you know, you find the nearest exit.
As crazy as this all is, I am lucky!
Lucky that I never allowed my son to meet this person (we dated on and off for the last two years and once we were a little bit off the first time around, I completely held back in thinking about introducing my son but was recently considering in my head to possibly approach the idea of introducing them — I am really overprotective when it comes to my dating life and my son).
I am lucky that I have always had confidence as well as respect for myself and others, not to mention, I believe in karma.
I wrote a great post a while back about walking a mile in someone’s shoes, how you never really know what you would do in a situation until that situation becomes your own.
Having now found myself somehow in the other women’s shoes, I confirmed what I already knew:
I would never allow myself to be that woman; to knowingly be involved with someone who is married, engaged or otherwise involved.
I do not read novels, watch television shows or movies on this subject, it’s a little too close to home for me (except It’s Complicated, that one makes me laugh every time!) but one book I think I need to reread is The Scarlet Letter.
They forced us to read it back in the eleventh grade but what the heck did I know at the age of seventeen?
Hester Prynne and her Red Letter A.
I never forgot the premise of the novel but I have a feeling, almost twenty years later (OMG! that long?!) I will have gained a whole new perspective, appreciation and level of understanding.
I may even read the entire book, rather than the Cliff Notes this time.
I Will Never Be That Woman #theotherwoman #gettingpersonal Click To Tweet***********
Did you read Cliff Notes or the actual books back in high school?
Do you remember reading the Scarlet Letter?
Last time you had fondue? That picture is making me hungry!
Wow, what a powerful post. I cannot even begin to imagine your shock upon finding out.. I totally agree with every single word you’ve written. My best of thoughts with you <3
Taca @ A Side Of Dessert recently posted…Recipe: Oatmeal Hemp Pancakes!
Aw, thank you…
WOW is all I can say. After so long its amazing that you finally found out and could get yourself out of the situation. I find it so selfish for someone to put another person insuch a bad spot like that. How could he? If he cared so much, why would he put you in a place where you feel like the bad person. Good riddance, but I’m sorry you had to loose someone you thought was your best friend. Thats really hard and I wish you only the best as you try to reflect on the past few years and move on from this!
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Selflish – that’s exactly it. Extremely selfish!
I am so sorry that this happened to you. Just by reading your blog every day I feel like I know you well enough to know that you are strong, independent and have good morals. I hate that you were lied to like that, when you were trying to be open and trustworthy of someone. It sucks that some people would do things like that. It’s awesome that you were able to share this…I’m sure it wasn’t easy.
I do remember reading the Scarlett letter in HS, but Im pretty sure I went with the cliff notes. It’s been far too long since I have gone to the melting pot (6 or 7 years?)
Lisa @ Running Out Of Wine recently posted…Grown-up Weekends Aren’t Much Fun
You are so sweet, thank you. It was a little hard to get this post up and out there but I felt like it was necessary. I really like to be honest and sharing this story is not embarrassing at all. It’s the truth and I thought that maybe, since I have now been on both sides, offering my thoughts and experiences could help others and help everyone to see it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Oh. Meredith. I am so sorry that you have been put through this. What sucks even more is that it is neither your fault nor the other woman’s fault (as far as I know). There are just not words to describe how disheartened I am to hear this. You (and we all) deserve so much better than this, so much happiness. And to think that he was in your son’s life and betraying both of you. There is just nothing more to say that he deserves a swift roundhouse kick to his you know what.
You are such a strong woman that there is no doubt that you will be fine. But still, it should never have had to happen in the first place, not ever.
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Thank you 🙂 Thankfully he had not met my son but the betrayal regardless is awful and just not nice. I sometimes still can’t believe it, my head circles all of the stories but overall, I am fine. I guess as we get older, we get stronger and shake things off much easier.
the scarlet letter was my favorite – definitelyy revisit it <3 ….
Oh my gosh, that’s CRAZY! What a psycho. I can’t believe he was engaged to someone else. It’s insane that he got away with it for so long, but it’s a good thing you discovered it when you did. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but I’m sure sharing your story will help others who might be in a similar situation!
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Thank you …. I do hope that others can gain perspective from this story on situations in their own lives. It happens more than we think and luckily, I am more than okay!
Oh man, I’m SO sorry to hear you went through this!! Strangely I know someone that had the exact same thing happen, wedding date and all, and I remember not being able to wrap my head around any of it. Shocking, crazy stuff. I’ve been hearing about all sorts of deception lately and it just makes me so sad. Thanks for writing this post, as I’m sure there are a lot of people who’ve dealt with this and will be comforted by your words. Interesting how being “that woman” is often not a choice, more than people realize I bet. Big hugs to you!!!
Michele @ paleorunningmomma recently posted…Learning How to Fall
Crazy, isn’t it?! I am totally fine, really but perhaps that cake for lunch a few weeks ago was just what I needed lol.
What an amazing post! But I would except nothing less because you are an amazing woman, mother, and friend. Always remember you are the lucky one- because you are you.
FYI- Scarlett letter is one of my favorites, and I never did cliff notes…
And so you just shocked me when you say you didn’t read the cliff notes. I didn’t know this about you and have a totally new appreciation for you beyond your ability to make the best grilled mozzarella cheese bialys.
Thank you for having the courage to post this. As mothers of boys, we must try our best to teach them that loyalty and honesty are important traits in all areas of life. You were so smart to never introduce him to your son, because deep down you knew he wasn’t good enough. He is a very selfish person and is about to ruin another beautiful, successful, young woman’s life. Consider yourself lucky to not be the one about to marry this loser. I can’t imagine what is going through her head right now, with all the wedding plans made, bachelorette party & bridal showers done…honeymoon planned. But having this knowledge now and actually doing something about it will save her years of heartache in the future. So, to the other woman if you are listening, take it from me…if you think your decision is hard now, imagine having a baby in the crib and another due in 5 months and discovering a cheating spouse who vowed to never do it again…cheaters cheat. Liars lie. Go look in the mirror and realize that you, like my friend Meredith, deserve only the best. It will be okay. Friends and family surround you and wouldn’t want you to be less than 100% happy.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Oh my, well . . . that just sucks! I’m sorry that things turned out crappy, but good for you for being the BEST woman and leaving the situation!
Thank you 🙂
All I can say is WOW about this post. I’m SO sorry that this happened to you, but so SO happy and proud that you walked away as soon as you found out. Shows quite a lot about your character! Thank you so much for sharing such a personal story and being completely candid and honest with your readers! It must have been really hard, but you made it into a great post.
I always read the books in school! I was in honors classes that were really small, and we did lots of book discussions, so you couldn’t really sneak by with cliff notes. I was always a nerd in school too and liked learning (I know, right!) We had to read scarlet letter and it wasn’t bad!
Sending hugs and wishing you a Happy St Patricks Day 🙂
Gretchen | Gretchruns recently posted…Eat Around the World Challenge- India
I like to be as honest and candid as possible so sharing this story was important to me! I am totally fine actually – the older you get, the wiser and stronger you become…I love my cliff notes, even though I knew I should just read the books, I had zero patience back then, as smart as I was. It’s terrible when I think about it now lol. I did read the Great Gatsby though!
I like to be as honest and candid as possible so sharing this story was important to me! I am totally fine actually – the older you get, the wiser and stronger you become…I love my cliff notes, even though I knew I should just read the books, I had zero patience back then, as smart as I was. It’s terrible when I think about it now lol. I did read the Great Gatsby though!
This post brought tears to my eyes and makes me sad. The weekend before Runner’s World Half I told someone to get out of my life and ended it for good, because he was lying to me. Funny, he said to contact him if I change my mind! The worst part is, he was my best friend (?)too and I miss that. Sorry , I know it really hurts, will keep you in my thoughts today!!!!!!
Wow, I had no idea back then when I met you! It’s terrible, isn’t it?! What people have the nerve/ability to do. I am glad you had the strength to end it! Thank you for your kind thoughts- I am honestly totally fine but felt the need to share the story so others can hear about it.
I applaud your honesty in this post. You were hurt and no, you shouldn’t keep those feelings bottled or tucked away. His loss though. At least you got to enjoy all the good food along the way though. Yes that fondue looks delicious!
Thank you 🙂
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UGGHHH..So sorry Meredith! I think you are amazingly strong woman and am so glad that you are no longer with this LOSER!
As cliche as this sounds….everything happens for a reason. This will make you stronger and I am sure in due time, you will find an honest and trustworthy mate:)
Aw, thank you 🙂 I appreciate it.
You are so strong Meredith! And you are so right about sharing aspects of life that might help others – you never know. Even though I can’t relate to this subject matter you have helped me so much in other areas – just by being real! Thank You!
Sara @ Lake Shore Runner recently posted…Tried it Tuesday #18: 21 Day Fix Extreme Q & A
I think I owe you an email, don’t I?
You already know my feelings on this one and that I’m still in shock over it. But good for you for writing this post! I bet it will help a lot of other women who have been in similar situations.
Sarah @pickyrunner recently posted…23.
I hope so! It’s scary how not uncommon stuff like this is.
Oh my God. And I never ever say that. Like, ever. But Meredith, I have so much to say about all this. I have been through it too, both sides of the coin and I wish so much that we could share a bottle of wine and talk! I have so many stories to tell. SO MANY. And unfortunately, blogging just isn’t the platform for that kind of transparency in my situation. Maybe one day down the road, but man would I ever love to sit and talk to someone who I could relate to! Life just isn’t fair sometimes. You have such an incredibly healthy perspective and your son will grow up in the shadow of a mother who knows how to love and because of you, so will he.
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I totally hear you on this topic and not being able to be transparent about it on the internet. Trust me – I would have plenty to discuss with you about it and I had to be super graceful and careful with my words for this post, especially in regards to my past!
Holy moly. What deception! I would be soo pissed he put you in that position. I will also never be “the other woman” either, especially after my husband (now ex) cheated on me for four months with someone who knew full well he was married. But I would beyond pissed that someone tricked me into being that person, when that is the last thing I would ever want to be. That is awesome you are so strong and left that person who turned into crazytown. I also can’t relate to people who use love as an excuse to stay as the other woman. great post. <3
Ugh, I am sorry you went through that. I know how you feel and will never understand the people who don’t care if they are involved with a married man (or woman). It’s just awful and tacky and mean! Don’t get me started lol.
Wow, when I first clicked on the post I had no idea what would really be talked about. I thought it was a metaphor for something else you were going to discuss. I can’t even imagine what it was like to go through that, but I also feel bad for the woman. So many people are cheating and are SO good at it… It’s terrifying. Best of luck to you. Move forward and keep your head up.
It’s crazy terrifying. It really is! And for sure I feel terrible for her too, I know how it feels.
That post took courage, girl! While I cannot relate to this particular type of deceit, I can absolutely relate to the relief I get when I find there are others who have struggled with something I am facing. I know your readers value your candor and the strength it must have taken to share this experience. Love your blog!
Aw thank you 🙂
Wow! After 2 whole years?! I am sorry this happened to you. I only hope that his fiancee finds out before the wedding!
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I hope so too…
Holy Moly girl! What a great post…I’m so sorry that you were put into this situation. I can’t imagine the amount of your past 2 years that you are now questioning every second of in your head, and how betrayed you must feel. It amazes me to hear about men (and I hear all the time from friends) that live these lives and lies. It’s a shame that such a sweet person like you had to go through this. I am sure it makes you question everything. Hang in there, and thank you for sharing such a personal subject. My respect for you has multiplied even more!
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You are so sweet, thank you. My head still circles the stories but I think I have now covered them all and anything else I haven’t figured out/discovered, is not necessary — I know enough!
That. SUCKS. I’m so sorry! You did good not letting your son meet him yet! And you know what? Just be thankful that you found out sooner rather than later, and remember that this had NOTHING to do with YOU! And there is NOTHING wrong with you! (Maybe you don’t have those thoughts or feelings, but I know how it can feel like you did something wrong…) but you didn’t. This has everything to do with his own issues that he CLEARLY needs to work out! SOON! I feel bad for the fiance too!
Thank you so much for your kind words, so much appreciated :)…I feel bad for her too! It’s easy for me to walk away but I know how hard it is to do once you are engaged or even worse, married!
I am so sorry you had to go through this! You are so strong for being able to deal with this. Ugh it’s so horrible that there are awful people out there like that.
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Travel and catching up from traveling have meant only “dropping in” occasionally the past couple of weeks. Siunds like a challenging situation
In my situation, worst part was not knowing what was true/real about the relationship. If any one thing wasn’t, it’s possible the whole thing wasn’t. And there’s a good chance I’ll never know.
I take solace in knowing that the experiences that were part of the relationship were real, regardless of what meanings I placed on them.
In any case, sorry to hear about your experience.
You make a very good point, Frank — thank you. We may never know what was real/what wasn’t real but the experiences we had were real.
Mere I just want to hug you so tight right now. I had been lied to in a similar fashion (but only a few months) and I felt devastated when I found out. I was so conflicted. Good on you for cutting ties right away. It was very difficult for me to walk away and it was only a few months. I cannot imagine two years. Sending you ALL the positive vibes!
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Aw thank you – you are so sweet. I am fine, really I am, but the whole thing is just a bit insane and hard to believe still sometimes!
Holy crap! Talk about shocking. I’m sorry your relationship ended so badly and suddenly although it sounds like it was for the best seeing as how he’s a total douchebag for stringing along two women. I hope you find a way to let his finance know so she can make a informed decision on her relationship.
Good for you for walking away. You are strong and a remarkable role model for your son.
I like to think she will make an informed decision before getting married but…who really knows. We can hope so. I like to think that after going through my divorce and other relationships since, I have really learned where and when it’s necessary to pull the plug, even when it’s hard.