.

My Story To Tell

 

It has taken me quite some time to process the emotions surrounding the Bar Mitzvah. I know I have shared all of the positive, wonderful moments with you but there were definitely some really difficult parts to the weekend that I have yet to mention.

quote

A few months before the Bar Mitzvah I shared a post called Letting It Go which referred to my decision to accept the fact that I would have to face the reason for my divorce at my son’s Bar Mitzvah.

It’s important to note that although I was referring to a person as the reason for my divorce in that post, I am actually well aware that faulting the other woman for the demise of a marriage is not the accurate or sole place for the blame.

The divorce part from my past was NOT my biggest issue at all when it came to being in the same room as this person for the first time at the Bar Mitzvah. The worst part for me was that this person harassed me by phone back in 2009 which was a really terrible experience, especially combined at the time with going through a divorce.

Although I had an order of protection for one year back then and I still jump when I see a phone number I don’t recognize calling me, these details from my past do not affect me as they once did and the recurring nightmares that I was having for years have dwindled down to few and far between.

I certainly had the power to stop her from coming to the Bar Mitzvah and although EVERYONE close to me told me to do so, I chose against it.

As hard as I knew it would be for me, I just didn’t want the negative energy of keeping someone out of the party to circulate for months during the planning leading up to the Bar Mitzvah.

I tried really hard to pretend that maybe it would be okay.

I forced myself to be really strong while attempting to keep the peace between a divorced family when the reality is, I was destroying my own inner peace, the peace that mattered the most.

I also felt as though I needed to continue to bring my son up as carefree, unaware and unaffected by our divorce as possible, thinking that allowing her to be at the Bar Mitzvah was somehow necessary to continue this process even though he begged for her not to be in attendance, not even knowing the past history as it happened or that I didn’t want her there either.

The strength I have gained over the years since my divorce was supposed to be enough to get me through the Bar Mitzvah with this person in the same room.

She can’t hurt me anymore. She can’t ruin the joy of our special day.

That’s what I kept telling myself in preparation for facing my worst nightmare (literally, my nightmares were about being in a room with this person and me screaming I can’t look at her) but honestly, as strong as people think I am, nothing was going to prepare me enough to get through the weekend unaffected.

I had a breakdown minutes before the Saturday evening Bar Mitzvah service.

It was all just too much for me to bear and I cannot be disappointed in myself about it happening because this situation was NOT a situation I should have put myself in to begin with.

It’s a miracle I didn’t ruin my makeup and still made it to the start of the service without anyone other than my friends knowing how I was falling apart.

Somehow I got up in front of everyone in attendance, with this person sitting front and center in my Temple, to stand next to my ex-husband as our son read from the Torah.

I did everything I could not to look. I kept my glasses off except for when I had to read my speech which no, was not easy to do even though I have zero issue speaking in public.

It wasn’t until I was there that I truly understood that not only do people not change but there are situations in our lives that we do not have to force ourselves to be strong enough to face.

Life Lessons:

1 – There are certain things in life that we don’t have to force ourselves to face and this situation was one of them.

2 – There was nothing empowering about facing this nightmare. It was not like getting on a scary rollercoaster and realizing it was a fun ride.

3 – We don’t always make the right decision no matter how hard we try.

4 – Sometimes making a wrong decision allows us to learn from the experience and understand how to proceed going forward.

5 – It’s okay to stand up for yourself even when there will be people on the other side who don’t agree with you. Who the heck cares what they think? They don’t matter, you do.

6 – It’s also okay to have that one situation in your life where you just can’t be super strong and emotionless.

7 – The only behavior we can control is our own.

It would be nice if everyone understood and applied the universal laws of etiquette but that’s not going to happen.

8 – I can’t protect my son from every detail of my divorce and that’s okay.

I pride myself on my ability to have kept my son from the ugliest parts of our divorce but I now realize that shielding him from every single detail is just not possible. Or fair.

He is old enough to formulate his own opinion while making real life accurate assumptions. While I will always filter details, I understand I cannot lie to his face any longer or stare blankly without answering his questions because he is old enough to notice the difference.

9 – Ugly divorces do not mean ugly co-parenting relationships.

I realize from this post that my divorce probably seems awful. It was. However, my ex-husband and I have a great relationship. He is still the first person I call to come fix my darn role of plastic wrap (because I just can’t tear the plastic properly and it gets all stuck on the role – ugh don’t ask!) and all things aside, he really did what he could the weekend of the Bar Mitzvah to try to make me comfortable.

10 – Remember that even through bad times, we can still find the good times.

As much as I regret allowing this person to be in attendance, I still put on a rockin’ dance party!

If you didn’t know the situation, the party itself was a blast and I am really proud of everything I worked so hard to put together for my son’s Bar Mitzvah.

bar mitzvah

This was not an easy post to share but I am glad that I ultimately decided to share it.

Lately, especially since the Bar Mitzvah, I have been living my life by doing what I feel rather than relying too much on what I think. Quite often there is a big difference and I am learning that going by feel may be best.

Of course it crossed my mind that anyone can read this post but these are MY feelings and this is MY story to tell. Writing this post has helped me to feel better but hitting publish was a necessary part of the process because I want to help others too.

I hope this post can help someone else who may be going through something because I have learned over the years that NO ONE is immune to life drama.

I was so young and innocent when I got married, completely unaware that divorce could happen to me and totally naive to what really goes on behind closed doors. My story just seemed so over the top INSANE yet the older I get, the more I realize that these things happen and they happen a whole lot, even to really nice people.

My Story To Tell #divorce #barmitzvah #lifelessons Click To Tweet

No questions today! I can’t even begin to think of one 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow on Bloglovin
{ 19 comments… add one }
  • lauren December 7, 2016, 6:55 am

    Love this post. Thanks for sharing. I am sure it was not easy.

    You need to DUMP the plastic wrap and buy “press and seal”..it’s a game-changer!

    Have a great day!

    • The Cookie ChRUNicles December 7, 2016, 11:59 am

      ha, I think you once told me to get the press and seal and I still sit here trying to make my darn box of plastic wrap work. I just can’t accept that I clearly don’t know how to properly use it and keep trying lol

  • Lisa @ Mile by Mile December 7, 2016, 7:00 am

    It’s so brave of you to share your feelings about this! It’s so hard when we think we are doing the “right” thing but it’s not really right if its going to make us stressed and upset. I’m glad you were still able to enjoy the day, despite everything that was going on.
    Lisa @ Mile by Mile recently posted…Another Shoe Fail and Off to FloridaMy Profile

  • Lesq December 7, 2016, 7:30 am

    This is why I relate to your writings and respect you because you are an honest, straightforward, genuine and deep individual. This post is so full of the agony, heartache and then the immense strength that developed from that. Take Windex and clean other people’s windows and you will find we all have suffering along our perfectly looking paths. It’s what we take from them and grow ourselves that’s the difference. Some wallow in it and it destroys them forever and some grow a new sense of self and understanding of life. Parts of our life’s journey is not in our control, but how we respond to what is thrown at us does. I have learned never to hold up a inside. I speak my thoughts and assess the situation and move on from there. It’s a very calming and joy ntrospective way to live life. As usual, thanks for making me dig deep, look inside myself. What a very hard, but so worthwhile post to share. Your a rock star!!!

  • Lesq December 7, 2016, 7:30 am

    This is why I relate to your writings and respect you because you are an honest, straightforward, genuine and deep individual. This post is so full of the agony, heartache and then the immense strength that developed from that. Take Windex and clean other people’s windows and you will find we all have suffering along our perfectly looking paths. It’s what we take from them and grow ourselves that’s the difference. Some wallow in it and it destroys them forever and some grow a new sense of self and understanding of life. Parts of our life’s journey is not in our control, but how we respond to what is thrown at us does. I have learned never to hold up a inside. I speak my thoughts and assess the situation and move on from there. It’s a very calming and joy ntrospective way to live life. As usual, thanks for making me dig deep, look inside myself. What a very hard, but so worthwhile post to share

  • Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets December 7, 2016, 9:24 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your story even though I can see how hard it was to tell it. I appreciate and applaud your openness and honesty. Your son is so lucky to have you, even when he may question your “healthy” food choices. It sounds to me like you were the bigger person even though it cost you so much to do so. You rock.
    Meghan@CleanEatsFastFeets recently posted…WIAW: The Backdoor EditionMy Profile

    • The Cookie ChRUNicles December 7, 2016, 11:54 am

      aw thanks 🙂 It wasn’t totally easy to share but the more I looked at it, the easier it became because it was worth putting out there!

  • Suzy December 7, 2016, 10:15 am

    Ahhh, good job my friend. You did well. <3 We all… ALL have our stories. So many times I'd be sitting in front of my therapist or with a friend or a teacher or someone and after dumping my story all over them, I wait for them to be shocked, and they aren't. They've heard it all, because we're all human, we all have drama, and if we keep quiet then we keep segregated and that's just not how we're supposed to live this life; we are all in this together.
    Suzy recently posted…Coffee Gives Me The RunsMy Profile

    • The Cookie ChRUNicles December 7, 2016, 11:51 am

      thank you for helping me with my decision and for introducing me to my favorite quote 🙂

  • Emily December 7, 2016, 2:29 pm

    Yes! You know what amazes me is that my grandpa and grandma on my mom’s side were divorced, but by God’s grace, they had a great relationship. They even lived in the same house together, and my grandpa took care of my grandma until he died. I didn’t realize they were divorced until later in my life, but I’m thankful that I was able to get to know both of them together. Divorces are hard, but it’s amazing to see the lessons you’ve learned and the way that you continue to grow Meredith. <3

    That situation sounds so tough, and you are really brave for sharing it here with us.
    Emily recently posted…Why You Don’t Have to Stay On Track This Holiday SeasonMy Profile

    • The Cookie ChRUNicles December 8, 2016, 8:15 am

      that’s really a touching story about your grandparents. I can definitely understand it too!

  • Tracy December 7, 2016, 8:33 pm

    Well…since no one else has said it I guess I will just jump in here – I don’t even know you IRL and I am ready to come over and beat the snot out of her…or just stand with my arms folded and give her the nastiest look ever and make her feel like sh*t. I promise I have perfected “the look.”
    Anyway – you are clearly far more mature than I am but you handled the situation with a grace I could not have mustered. Mazel to you – death stare offer is still on the table!

  • Yuko December 13, 2016, 7:37 pm

    Meredith, let me just say you are quite an amazing person with so much inner strength. You’re such a devoted mother. This post was so real and raw and I really appreciate it.
    Keep being awesome!

    x
    Yuko recently posted…Eiffel Card For SistersMy Profile

  • heather rouffe December 23, 2016, 2:06 am

    Just think-would we really have had the laughs we did that night if certain people weren’t there. You survived-it was your night-amazing party and the video will have us rolling on the floor for years to come. BP Squad was created that night and no one will ever mess with us!
    heather rouffe recently posted…Mr. Event’s Three Tips for Thanksgiving entertainingMy Profile

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge